Sunday, January 1, 2012

Han


2012 starts. Yesterday I ran 20 miles and threw away a bunch of stuff so I can disconnect as much as I can from 2011’s many bad things, plenty of which I contributed to. Some were simple, starting with new shoes for sports, some were more emotionally more difficult. I still need to watch Harry Potter because I like the nickname the boy who lived with the scar on his head to prove it. But I also need to stay away from the topic of the unmentionables unless necessary, a new year’s resolution.
I danced last night like no one was watching after having dinner with a friend from work and today I’ll play some ultimate Frisbee and watch some football. Yeah there’s an MRI on January 9th and a 4 other appointments before the superbowl but… there’s still the superbowl. Being the over planner, I am sitting here working on my taxes a few hours into the new year’s, a little overwhelming to looking at having paid over way too much money in medical bills but grateful it is a tax write-off.
The Koreans have a word, Han, which has various translations but the one I want echo is one from the West Wing: “It's a state of mind. Of soul, really. A sadness. A sadness so deep no tears will come. And yet still there's hope.” I still know that the median survival rate for this thing is 4 years without surgery and 7 years with it so you better believe if we make it there’s going to be a celebration on 8th anniversary of this seizure. There are times where the worry and anxiety are scary and create sadness but to quote the brilliant Mariah Carey,
Each night and everyday of my life
I feel with all the joy inside
If there’s a spark of hope left in my grasp
I will keep holding on
And you hold onto hope on little things in 2011 that may well be what makes life worth living. There are a thousand examples but I wrote down yesterday between throwing things away, some of those sparks that keep the good parts of my brain going.
-Someone talking you into taking Kiana to their first Disney on Ice Show
-Someone being kind enough to bring you your favorite dessert cheesecake on your birthday when otherwise you were home alone
-Someone teaching you to braid girl’s hair (I have accomplished many things but my proudest accomplishment to this day is Kiana telling me that I braid her hair softer than anyone else)
-Someone reminding you that you crashed hard on your first marathon but then the next time you did better and maybe are still improving
-Someone reminding you that some of the time there’s just no rush and that maybe you should just dance
-Someone helping you plant a garden, reminding you that there were good things that grew before all this and there are good things that will grow again
So running, dancing, socializing, loving, being loved will make 2012 have much more hope and far less sadness. A friend I’ve made through this, with much bigger battle scars, said several years later, after he finished his first half marathon that it was great to go back from being a patient to being a person. Neither of us ever gets to skip medical stuff as long as we both live but here’s saying that’s like maintenance on a car and that no matter what, I want to state on January 1st, the rest of 2012 is about being a person.

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