Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Fire Not To Yield


Kiana’s mother’s attorney emailed and called me last Friday… Obviously it would be less than intelligent to take shots at her in a blog but let’s simply state that Saturday I had a 17 mile run… and it was the best training run I’ve ever done. It was fueled by that fire and I kept a 7:15 pace. The next day I ran a trail run for the first life in my life. Somehow, if I manage to hit my marathon goals, this may be what's next in running, it's less pretty, more raw and somehow more fun. They fueled those run by wanting me to hand my medical records to have an expert review them to testify to the court that I am not fit to parent. My neuropathologist is from John Hopkins, I have neuro oncologists from Md Anderson and Duke, and my neurosurgeon did Ted Keneddy’s surgery. And each of these guys are world famous. There are far more world quality doctors that are part of the team but even then as described here they haven’t seen eye to eye with each other on all this process. But with all of them there are always 2 questions, am I still fit to raise a kid and can I keep running? Because one is why I get through the day and the other is how I do it. And not one doctor has suggested that I should stop doing either. A cursory reading of this blog shows I don't hide my medical problems but there is a reason federal law protects you from handing this stuff over because having those things in public records. I am "retired" from now but if we're still beating the odds in due time when Kiana is ready for less time with her dad and depending on the state of medical things then, who knows what's' coming. I sat with the department of rehabilitative services and we talked about some places where I can keep volunteering but I said that right now, I have the privilige of spending tons of time with my daughter at an age where she loves it. So I volunteered at her book fair yesterday and volunteering with marathon kids the next two weeks. These were literally not the kind of jobs you go to college for but even then I accepted the restriction of not getting up on a ladder for one of them.




The city of Austin sent a formal letter saying there was nothing there to let her boyfriend file charges against me because he refused to attend mediation. And then yesterday, I received a call setting up a time to meet up and receive a summons because he’s suing me for about $300… I gotta tell you that lawsuit even as broke as I am, I can’t imagine me losing but that’s a bleep in the radar. The custody thing of course is gigantic… If for nothing else that after I paid Kiana’s mother $30 to come and share Halloween with us and she agreed to have Kiana do the turkey trot with me, she’s spent time left and right trying to get out of that, trying to say it’s inconvenient for her to pick Kiana up. Sheesh, call this raw, not pretty, not nice but if I had to sign up for more cancer appointments to deal with that kind of stuff less or vice versa, I’d take the cancer appointments. But with that said we’re 21 days into the first month that I may not have any in 2 years which while I imagine if I actually get through the month, I’ll say it more politely on facebook, the feeling I’ll have if we get to the 30th will be fuck yeah.

But I’m going to keep going… because the one thing I will never learn is to quit while there’s a chance. I am helping out with Movember, even getting friends to put on temporary tattoos for a dinner party. I am still training for a marathon and I still kiss that little girl every morning and every night and help with some homework and plenty of things in between. And assuming she is there at the turkey trot tomorrow and the agreement is respected, I hope to be able to get a better time with her a little heavier (kids gain weight!) because I think we’ve gotten stronger together.

I went to see the latest bond movie recently (yes this is my endorsement) and in it, it wasn’t so much about the fancy technology but just a raw story about dealing with a sort of life after death. (With that said, I am not sure why I took the George Clooney lifestyle, I should have gone for the Bond girls one). But in it, there is a poem quoting Tennison

Though much is taken, much abides; and though
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven; that which we are, we are;
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.

Tomorrow is thanksgiving and I am thankful. For all that’s come.

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