Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Hope-The Thing With Feathers
As with anyone's life, there are changes. The saint of a friend who has lived with me for a while has decided to move on closer to work and a real adult life instead of one with a single dad whose house shuts down quietly. I get worried about this with my medical issues but as I try to find a solution, I'm greatful it's been a long long time since I've woken up in an ambulance and am comforted by the fact that Kiana's getting older. As I wake up to the fact that I haven't had a girlfriend since high school and am open to it for the first time, I wonder if I have any clue how to actually date someone. Livestrong has invited me to speak in a couple of weeks to many of their volunteers (I'm working on that speech so if you have any great tips let me know). I still haven't put gas in my car but looking at the prices as I drive around makes me realize that maybe my reduced medical payments will be replaced with gasoline bills. I have zero road races that I'm signed up for in the future but my first triathlon in a couple of weeks and doing the spartan workouts of the day trying to prepare for the first of those since September of last year... I realize I'm so financially behind that I sat down with a job recruiter but it makes me nervous because, well I sat through multiple court hearings where someone thought I shouldn't be raising my daughter and part of my sales pitch was the fact that I was a full time dad and that there was a back up adult there. Whether the person who asked for the custody changes, the judge or myself will see it differently if all of a sudden I'm a working person at a new job and the other home option is an established relationship with two adults... So with each of these changes or possibilities of changes, there are hopes and fears and no guarantees of which one will win out.
Still, while holding on to hopes of beating this cancer, I keep betting on the odds knowing good and well that there are people who I met who in one set of appointments was fine and at the next one had a growth and had a few weeks or months left. But I also remember what my statistics teacher used to say... that statistics are like bikins, what they reveal is interesting but what they conceal is vital... and I am glad to have had experiences and people in my life who are better than great bikinis.
And because of that I keep holding onto hope in many areas. Because if there's anything I learned from the cowardly approach to dating I've taken since getting left in the middle of cancer, it's that there is more there than I once believed was possible, probable or wanted. Whether or not I'll find someone to match... well nobody gets that guaranteed. There's been jokes from friends about what my pick up line should be from "I've won a marathon and can break a five minute mile so I'm good for all night or a quickie" to "I won a half marathon but with you I'd go all the way." I've always said my pick up line was "so you want to date a single unemployed dad with cancer who can't drive?"... yeah no wonder I'm single ;). But at least the last line is out now. But if I manage to find someone whose ready to be my girlfriend well... I imagine if it has any chance of lasting it will be because they can sign up for a mess while holding hands and holding hope.
Because I am going to see my brothers this weekend for Easter and all 3 of us will be together for the first time since Duke... Because the crowd from Beaumont was here for a race and I got to have dinner with them...
Because Kiana had a school field trip yesterday where she was fascinated by caves... because she watched a terra forming tree this morning... Because the sun still rose today... in all of those things and many more great ones that have along the way... they still perch in my soul and sing without words and I hope they never stop at all.